| Sarvamangala
dasi
Dear Srila Prabhupada,
Please accept my most humble obeisances
in the dust of your lotus feet. Another year has gone and again it seems
inconceivable that so much time has elapsed since you visibly walked amongst us.
How naïve were your children here that we could never imagine a time when
you would not be physically in our presence. Just saying that makes me painfully
aware of how unaware I am of your transcendental presence.
I always
feel touched by you
Yet you remain beyond my grasp
I love the sound of
your voice
But I tune in too rarely I knew I had found my resting place
When
I heard your purports,
Yet my mind restlessly resists
Deepening in understanding. My
heart burst with joy
When we sung in kirtana
With you in our midst,
But
over time it sometimes felt as if you were obscured
From the centre of the
vast new congregation,
Or was it I who felt displaced
And missed the familiar
faces
Of those who danced with me
Before you, laughing, leaping,
Throwing
everything to the wind,
Only being there, together, with you,
Recognising
the ecstasy in each others' eyes,
And jumping, jumping high above anything
That
stood between us and service to you. Now when it is Vyasa Puja, the day
of formal glorification
I find myself, as often, in a state of mortification.
I
try not to lament or indulge myself in nostalgia,
But where are the familiar
eyes who share the story,
Who basked together in your golden glory?
Days
of transcendental hue floating in my memory,
Days of seeing you, floating by,
ephemereal.
And godbrothers and godsisters weeping in the hall,
Wondering
like crying orphans why you'd left us all,
A myriad of visions and remembrances
flood through
Every year, for twenty six now, just remembering you,
Srila
Prabhupada, walking on the beach,
Sitting in your darshan room, watching how
you teach,
Distributing fruit, eager at your command
And other times receiving
maha from your hand,
Cleaning up your quarters, putting flowers on your bed,
As
you came up the stairs, first sight of your beauteous head.
This may sound
absurd to those who just weren't there,
Our state of ecstasy as you gradually
ascended the stair,
And then you were in view, at last, at last you'd come
And
hundreds of us seemed to crowd into your little room.
"Prabhupada, you're
here with us!" - our deepest exultation,
Nothing else existed outside
our intoxication. And aromas float by my sensual meanderings]
Through
bygone hours - heady scented lily flowers,
Your massage oil , sandalwood, mixed
with some other
Gorgeous subtle fragrance associated with your golden body,
Lingering
on your clothes that we had the fortune to wash.
Ironing became another intoxicating
activity
As we breathed in the remnant of what had touched you.
And we were
touched
So much. Probably much more than we could ever, every say,
Though
we try to do so on this day.
More than anyone would probably credit us with,
We,
the vestiges of golden years, past their sell-by date!
And every year my eyes
search the crowd for someone
Who was there and will dance with me,
Who
will hold me in remembrance
And weep and laugh with me
In joy, separation
and gratitude. Oh, godbrothers and godsisters throughout the earth,
And
those who have already finished this birth,
Bless me with your glance of remembrance
of our divine father,
Help me by smiling your knowing smiles and remind me
Of
my great blessing.
I cannot see you but I feel the beating of your hearts
In
England, USA, Maharaja in Hungary,
Many friends, though we're apart,
Bound
in service, eternal parts
And parcels of our Guru Maharaj's mission.
We
have sung a song of love together,
And though our voices sometimes falter,
Our
choir resounded loud and still has resonance,
Although to some, it may not
make sense. Though I'm neophyte and much affected
By material inebriety,
still I have some faith
That Krishna will be kind to me.
Somehow He brought
me to your feet, Prabhupada,
And I feel, somehow, we will all be there again,
together.
Krishna is a true friend and you are our eternal Master,
So though
I am afraid of dying, as it approaches faster,
I truly believe he will allow
us, some lifetime
Some place, to be in your presence once more. Is this
delusion? A show of my confusion?
Didn't I understand Krishna Conscious philosopy?
I
have done so many things wrong and inadequately!
Would Krishna carry what is
lacking in somebody like me?
The truth is, I know I am a rank neophyte
Who,
like many others, loves you.
I hope I can serve you more
And carry the
light you shone on me. I pray for your eternal association
And the association
of those who love you. From your daughter and aspiring servant,
Sarvamangala
dasi
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